Written by Psychological Hub’s resident chartered psychologist, Dr Claire Mansfield.
The title of this feature comes from a client I worked with who referred to herself as a six or a seven. She meant out of ten, and for her this meant that she didn’t excel at anything. She was worried that she wouldn’t find a direction to take her career in because she didn’t have one particular skill or area of expertise that she could offer prospective employers.
The idea of framing oneself as a six or a seven really resonated with me. I had just read a piece in The Times Magazine about Adam Peaty OBE, British gold medal Olympian swimmer. Adam doesn’t sound like he’s a six or a seven. In the article he describes the dedication and focus that he has to extend across his life to be able to perform at the highest level; spending up to 7 hours a day training, but also arranging his eating, sleeping and downtime to allow his body (and mind) to perform at its best. Adam explains that if he can’t allow his training schedule to dominate his life, that his competitors will be allowing theirs to. As I sat on my sofa on a Sunday afternoon, reading the papers with the cat on my lap, I reflected that therein lies the difference between a six or a seven and a ten. If you want to be an Olympian you need to have a very singular focus.
I will never be a ten. Perhaps I have yet to discover a hidden talent that will enable me. It’s a nice idea, that as I go through life, I might find a secret super power. However, I imagine the idea of there being a natural gift, conveniently located inside of us and just waiting to be found, must be very annoying for the tens of this world who have spent thousands of hours and made huge sacrifices honing their skills. It’s what really struck me about Adam Peaty and his competitors. That being a ten, as well as involving some level of natural aptitude, also requires a degree of singularity and focus that many of us don’t enjoy, flourish at, or simply can’t commit to.
While there are opportunities in being a ten that only a ten can enjoy, i.e. standing on the podium collecting your gold Olympic medal, there are also opportunities in being a six or a seven. A six or a seven can have more diversity in their lives. They can perhaps feel safe to relax with the cat, knowing that there’s enough space in the world for the sixes and sevens; that you don’t have to be looking over your shoulder at what your competitors are up to. You can stay up late with your mates and watch Succession because you don’t have to be at the pool by 6am for a gruelling training session.
I’m not suggesting that a six or a seven is better than a ten. Of course I wish that I could experience the accolades, respect and sense of achievement that a ten might receive at being the absolute best in a particular field. However, those gains come with other sacrifices, that perhaps can get overlooked when we imagine that we should all be tens. What I propose is that being a ten, or a nine, isn’t better than being a six or a seven, and neither is being a six or a seven better than being a one, two or three. That however we identify ourselves (and apologies to Adam if he doesn’t see himself as a ten), that in it lies both opportunity and loss.
Perhaps some of the struggle that my client was experiencing, is working out what those opportunities are, and where they are. Most of us, I imagine, have periods where we feel a bit lost, and don’t know where or how to direct ourselves. And of course, we don’t always have the power to change the external things that cause us to struggle or suffer. However, if we see ourselves as less than – which is how my client was thinking about herself; that being a six or a seven was less than a ten – then it can be even harder to find those opportunities.
I think it starts with trying to figure out what we like and don’t like, what we’re pretty good at and what we suck at, what assets we have and what challenges we’re up against. To start to get a sense of who we think we are, and importantly, relate to that self with interest, with curiosity and acceptance. Perhaps then we have a better chance of working out where we should go next, what we should do next, and how to seek out the opportunities that come with being an ever changing ‘me’; without needing the affirmation of others first, for those opportunities to seem worth exploring.
Asking a friend for feedback on my first draft of this piece of writing, I reflected on the irony that I was asking for validation about an article that suggests that we should try and find that within ourselves. On my request for his very honest appraisal, my friend laughed and said ‘I think it’s a six or a seven’. While enjoying the differing opportunities that come with being a six or a seven, and still believing that the life of a ten isn’t necessarily better, I find myself still wanting to be a ten – and perhaps more importantly – to be thought of by others as a ten.
I think that’s part of the job of starting to understand yourself and trying to work out what direction you want your life to go in. You have to also be interested in the bits that we don’t always want to acknowledge. I preferred the idea I started with as I wrote this article, that I was happy and humble as a six or a seven. In fact, I want to be a six or a seven, and a ten. I want the opportunities of both: the affirmation of being ‘the best’, and none of the sacrifice or loss of diversity. Perhaps we will often find ourselves wanting validation from others, and we, and our lives, might not always feel good enough. However, if we can try to be kind and value ourselves, and all the contradictions that we might consist of, we might start to be able to accept ourselves and work out what we want, where we fit, and what to do next.
Note: This reflection should not substitute for seeking professional advice or guidance.
Reference:
McGrath, N. (2022, January 02). Adam Peaty on why the Olympics were a breeze compared with Strictly. The Times Magazine, pp. 58.