Written by Psychological Hub’s resident chartered psychologist, Dr Claire Mansfield.
‘The art of happiness’ is a well-known book written by The 14th Dalai Lama and Dr Howard Cutler, a psychiatrist. Borrowing this notion, I suggest that there is also an art to experiencing loneliness – ‘The art of loneliness’, but that the art of loneliness is in learning how to tolerate and manage it. I’m not proposing that we can prevent ever feeling lonely, but that perhaps we can be interested in our feelings of loneliness, learn how to cope with them, and find better ways to live with them. I am advocating that we can do more to acknowledge and talk about our experiences of loneliness, and in doing so, collectively, hopefully we can start to make it safer for others to talk about their loneliness with us.
What is loneliness?
The Cambridge Dictionary’s definition of ‘lonely’ is “(of someone) feeling sad because you are alone, or (of something) causing this feeling.” This definition seems vague – and I believe necessarily so. Perhaps it isn’t possible to define what ‘loneliness’ is in a few words. Maybe each experience of feeling lonely is unique to the person and the situation; hence the need to explore it and allow it to be complicated, rather than the simplistic solution we are often offered, that we just need to go out and meet new people. Loneliness and being alone are not the same experience, although at times they may be related. Many of us can feel lonely while being around others, and being alone does not always result in feeling lonely.
I think the experience of feeling lonely can often trigger feelings of failure or shame. We feel ashamed because we feel lonely. Feeling ashamed can then leave us feeling more alone and lonely. We often feel inadequate when we feel lonely; that we must not be as likable as others to be in this place, or that somehow we have done something wrong to be left feeling like this – we made the wrong decisions, we didn’t do the right things that we imagine would have led to us not feeling lonely. We become trapped in a difficult spiral of loneliness and shame.
Shame
Shame is the killer here. And I mean that literally. Shame stops us from talking about feeling lonely, it stops us from asking for help, it stops us from feeling worthy of help or care, and it can stop us from being able to access that necessary support. If we can extricate shame from loneliness, then perhaps we can start to feel safer about acknowledging our experiences of loneliness and start to be able to address it. If we all talked more about our periods of loneliness, then feeling lonely would become more normalised and less shameful. Loneliness and shame are similar in that one of the most powerful ways to address these feelings is by having another person not turn away from us as we might be expecting, and instead meet us in our experience with warmth and care.
There has been warranted criticism for the idea that lockdown was a ‘leveller’ that left us all ‘in the same boat’. For people sharing small spaces with limited resources during those trying times, their experience was not the same as those who were not faced with such challenges. Similarly, for those living alone who had previously relied on work and/or leisure time to have access to human connections, their isolation was different to those living with family or friends. The experience was different again for those that lived with others but could not get their needs for connection or support met by them, either because it was an unhappy or unsafe relationship, or simply because the other party was unable to. What might be universal however, albeit at different times, for different reasons, and at differing degrees, is that those years of lockdowns and enforced working and schooling from home, left us all, at least sometimes, feeling lonely.
Reasons for loneliness
Reflecting beyond the last few years, many of the clients I have worked with have come to therapy feeling very lonely. It may have been that they felt lonely in their relationships, their families, their workplace, their neighbourhood or even in the country they lived in. It may be that they felt lonely being single, or lonely in their friendships or lack thereof. They may have felt lonely as a result of life events such as illness, or experiences they’d had which felt unspeakable: abuse, sexual violence, degradation. Some of these clients felt lonely because they were around others that they didn’t feel could or would accept them for who they were. Some felt lonely because their life situation had left them without enough social support. Others craved intimacy and to be known, but were terrified because their life experiences have suggested that it wasn’t safe to get close to others. Perhaps most distress involves an element of loneliness, and when we feel understood, cared for, and supported, it can make that distress feel a fraction more bearable.
Personal reflection
There have been periods of my life where I’ve had more or less support around me, which has changed the degree or frequency of loneliness I’ve felt, but it has never eradicated it from my experiencing. I think the reasons for me feeling lonely can change. There have been times when I have needed more friends and people to hang out with. Other times it’s been that I have needed people at work or on courses that shared my way of thinking, that I could talk to and connect with. Other times I think I have felt lonely in my own company because I haven’t felt fulfilled and I’ve forgotten what engages me, or because I haven’t liked myself very much, so the experience of being left alone with myself has felt very difficult.
The art of loneliness – conclusion
I like the idea of the ‘art’ of loneliness, as I think that it is something that we can actively explore and, with practice, hopefully improve our ability to understand and manage our loneliness. Being interested in my own feelings of loneliness, and trying not to feel shame about them, means that sometimes I can identify the needs that lie behind them. Perhaps our loneliness comes from a need for connection with others, or it may be a need for connection with ourselves or the world around us. Perhaps feeling lonely comes from a need for more care from others, or from ourselves. I think that loneliness is inevitable – that it is part of the human experience. The art to living with it is, I suggest, in being able to acknowledge it, think about it without shame, work out if there are ways to better manage it, and to talk about it.
Note: This reflection should not be a substitute for seeking professional advice or guidance.