Understanding the dynamics of people-pleasing, anxiety, and assertiveness is essential for personal growth, emotional well-being, and healthy relationships. This article explores the interplay between these factors and highlights the importance of embracing emotions and setting boundaries. Drawing on psychological research, we explore the impact of people-pleasing on anxiety, the significance of assertiveness in self-expression, the role of emotional awareness, and the potential benefits of emotional regulation and boundary-setting.
The Influence of People-Pleasing on Anxiety
People-pleasing, the tendency to prioritise others’ needs over one’s own, can lead to significant psychological consequences. Research suggests that individuals who engage in excessive people-pleasing behaviours often experience higher levels of anxiety (Chang et al., 2012). This anxiety can stem from a fear of rejection, disapproval, or the belief that one’s self-worth depends on meeting others’ expectations (Leary & Baumeister, 2000).
Attachment Theory and Internal Working Models
Attachment theory emphasises the impact of early caregiver interactions on the development of people-pleasing tendencies and anxiety. Bowlby’s theory suggests that early attachment experiences shape individuals’ internal working models, influencing their expectations of relationships and their strategies for seeking acceptance and validation (Bowlby, 1969). Individuals with anxious attachment tend to engage in more people-pleasing behaviours to seek reassurance and maintain relationships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Social Learning Theory and Cognitive Factors
Bandura’s social learning theory highlights the role of cognitive factors in the development of people-pleasing behaviours and anxiety. Individuals learn through observation, modeling, and reinforcement. If they observe that people-pleasing behaviours are rewarded with acceptance and approval, they are more likely to engage in such behaviours. Over time, these behaviours become ingrained and may contribute to heightened anxiety due to concerns about social evaluation and negative consequences (Bandura, 1977; Wang et al., 2012).
The Role of Emotional Awareness
Emotion theory regards emotions as a biologically wired-in form of self-information in interaction with the environment. Emotional awareness, the ability to recognise and understand one’s own emotions, plays a crucial role in managing people-pleasing and anxiety. Individuals who lack emotional awareness may struggle to tune into their needs and have difficulty recognising when those needs are compromised (Frijda, 1986; Greenberg & Paivio, 1997).
Pathology and Incongruence between Ideal and Real Selves
Psychological difficulties can arise from an incongruence between individuals’ experiences of their ideal self, the self they believe will be more accepted and regarded by others, and their real authentic selves. Early caregiver experiences shape patterns of interaction and internalised relational experiences that contribute to this incongruence. When individuals are unable to fully experience and express their authentic emotions due to fears of non-acceptance, it can lead to psychological difficulties (Rogers, 1951; Mitchell, 1988).
Affect Phobia and Emotional Regulation
Affect Phobia Therapy focuses on understanding the emotional significance of suppressed or forbidden emotions. Research indicates that individuals who have not learned to regulate and express anger effectively may experience anxiety as a substitute emotion. Childhood experiences that discouraged anger expression or emphasised compliance can contribute to difficulties in managing anger and assertiveness as adults. Affect Phobia Therapy techniques help individuals explore and regulate “forbidden” emotions, fostering emotional balance and assertiveness (Bannink et al., 2014; McCullough Vaillant, 1997).
The Impact of Compliance and Fear of Rejection
Compliance, as a learned behaviour, can significantly impact individuals’ assertiveness and people-pleasing tendencies. Children reinforced for exhibiting compliant behaviours may develop a strong need for external validation, leading to difficulty setting personal boundaries and expressing needs assertively. People pleasers often experience a pervasive fear of rejection or abandonment when they fail to meet the expectations of others, which drives their inclination to constantly please those around them. This fear can stem from early attachment experiences and a strong desire for acceptance and validation (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). However, this relentless need for external approval can result in shallow and unfulfilling relationships (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Research suggests that people pleasers may deny themselves the opportunity to engage in more authentic connections based on mutual understanding and respect (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000). Paradoxically, the very act of people pleasing can prevent individuals from experiencing genuine acceptance because their relationships are built on appeasement rather than genuine connection (Flett, Hewitt, & Dyck, 1989).
The People-Pleasing Vicious Cycle
This perpetual cycle can further perpetuate the fear of rejection. People pleasers may suppress their own needs and emotions until resentment builds up, leading to explosive outbursts or passive-aggressive behaviour (Hewitt, Flett, & Mikail, 1998). Consequently, these individuals may face disapproval and upset from others, reinforcing their belief that not pleasing others results in negative consequences (Alden, Wiggins, & Pincus, 1990). This vicious cycle of people pleasing followed by emotional outbursts contributes to feelings of inadequacy and perpetuates the fear of rejection or abandonment (Fisher, Hui, & Koestner, 2001).
Assertiveness and Boundary Setting
Breaking free from this pattern requires developing assertiveness skills and setting healthy boundaries. Research has shown that assertiveness training can be effective in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing tendencies and cultivate more fulfilling relationships (Alberti & Emmons, 2008). By learning to express their needs, wants, and opinions in a respectful manner, individuals can foster open and honest communication, leading to more authentic connections (Bassett & Clifford, 2017). It is important for people pleasers to recognise that true acceptance and genuine relationships are built on authenticity and self-respect (Leary & Baumeister, 2000). Through self-reflection and the development of assertiveness skills, individuals can break free from the fear of rejection, cultivate healthy relationships, and enhance their overall well-being.
Importance of Emotional Regulation
Effective emotional regulation plays a pivotal role in assertiveness. Individuals who struggle with anger regulation may avoid expressing their needs and opinions, fearing conflict or negative reactions. Learning to regulate anger and other emotions allows individuals to communicate their needs in a calm and considered manner (Greenberg & Paivio, 1997; Fayard et al., 2019). Assertiveness, the ability to express oneself openly, honestly, and respectfully, is crucial for authentic self-expression and maintaining healthy relationships. Individuals who are assertive experience lower levels of anxiety and higher self-esteem. By expressing their needs, wants, and opinions assertively, individuals foster open and honest communication, leading to greater mutual understanding and more satisfying interpersonal connections (Bassett & Clifford, 2017; Alberti & Emmons, 2008).
Assertiveness Through Practice
Assertiveness training programs have demonstrated efficacy in increasing assertiveness, self-esteem, and reducing anxiety symptoms. Cognitive-behavioural interventions, such as cognitive restructuring and role-playing, can help individuals challenge and modify maladaptive beliefs associated with assertiveness and self-worth. Individuals can practice asking for what they need with trusted others, or use graded exposure and start with smaller, easier issues to build up confidence. Through these interventions, individuals can learn to express their needs confidently, establish healthy boundaries, and experience a greater sense of self-trust (Turner, 2017; Goldfried & D’Zurilla, 1969).
Conclusion
Understanding the interplay between people-pleasing, anxiety, and assertiveness is vital for personal growth and establishing healthy relationships. By embracing emotions, developing emotional awareness, and setting boundaries, individuals can better recognise their needs, assertively communicate them, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Integrating theories such as attachment theory, social learning theory, emotion theory, along with the research of Bowlby, Mikulincer & Shaver, Bandura, Wang et al., provides valuable insights into the complex dynamics involved in managing people-pleasing, anxiety, and assertiveness. By incorporating these concepts into our lives, we can strive for greater emotional well-being and more fulfilling relationships.
Self-Help Reflection Points
- Question if you have a tendency to prioritise others over yourself and recognise the potential impact of people-pleasing on anxiety.
- Have childhood, cognitive factors and social learning shaped your people-pleasing tendencies? Recognising where they have come from can help you decide whether you need to keep doing them now.
- Enhance your emotional awareness to recognise and tune into your own needs. See our feature on emotion awareness.
- Evaluate whether your living authentically, and be cautious of the potential psychological difficulties that arise from trying to portray an ‘ideal’ self that you think is preferable to others, and suppressing certain emotions.
- Cultivate emotional regulation skills, especially in managing anger, to enhance assertiveness and communication. See our feature on emotion regulation.
- Develop assertiveness skills for authentic self-expression and maintaining healthy relationships.
- Practice asking for what you need calmly and fairly; start with issues you find easier to address to build your confidence.
- Foster self-trust and independence by setting boundaries and prioritising your well-being.
- Through practicing listening to yourself and asking for what you need you can learn to feel more confident in your own judgement and decisions.
Note: This feature provides a general overview and should not substitute for professional advice or guidance.
References
Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2008). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships. Impact Publishers.
Alden, L. E., Wiggins, J. S., & Pincus, A. L. (1990). Construction of circumplex scales for the Inventory of Interpersonal Problems. Journal of Personality Assessment, 55(3-4), 521-536.
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.
Bannink, F. P., Dijkgraaf, M. G., & van Marwijk, H. W. (2014). Affect phobia therapy as treatment for major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder: A randomized controlled trial. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 83(1), 45-53.
Bassett, R. L., & Clifford, J. S. (2017). The importance of assertiveness in reducing state anxiety in interpersonal conflict. Communication Quarterly, 65(3), 312-332.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Chang, E. C., Chang, O. D., Martos, T., & Sallay, V. (2012). Life satisfaction, worry, and gratitude among young adults: A reverse-latency effect. Journal of Psychology, 146(4), 367-380.
Fayard, J. V., Lelievre, J., & Le Duff, F. (2019). Individual differences in anger regulation moderate the effects of interpersonal conflict on anger expression and subsequent cognitive performance. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 83, 120-134.
Fisher, J. D., Hui, C. M., & Koestner, R. (2001). Deficits in the self-concept and psychological well-being of interpersonal dependents. Journal of Research in Personality, 35(1), 58-69.
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., & Dyck, D. G. (1989). Self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism, and the interpersonal problems of college students. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(6), 1082-1090.
Frijda, N. H. (1986). The emotions. Cambridge University Press.
Goldfried, M. R., & D’Zurilla, T. J. (1969). A behavioral-analytic model for assessing competence. In M. Hersen & N. S. Bellack (Eds.), Behavior change: Methodology, concepts, and practice (pp. 77-121). Springer.
Greenberg, L. S., & Paivio, S. C. (1997). Working with emotions in psychotherapy. The Guilford Press.
Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Mikail, S. F. (1998). Perfectionism and relationship adjustment in dating and married couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(2), 434-449.
Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and function of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 32, pp. 1-62). Academic Press.
McCullough Vaillant, L. (1997). Affect phobia therapy: A therapist’s guide to managing the attachment reparation process. W. W. Norton & Company.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Mitchell, S. A. (1988). Relational concepts in psychoanalysis: An integration. Harvard University Press.
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(5), 707-722.
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin.
Turner, S. L. (2017). Assertiveness training and the reduction of clinical symptoms. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(3), 297-305.
Wang, J., Pomerantz, E. M., & Chen, H. (2012). The role of parents’ control in early adolescents’ psychological functioning: A longitudinal investigation in the United States and China. Child Development, 83(3), 1141-1157.